Entry 2

Well so far this blog hasn't gone according to plan, i haven't done another post till now, getting to a computer and finding time to do this is turning out harder than i thought.


Lots of things have happened in this week, mostly downs but there has been some silver lining, well not much, more of a grey misty colour. I'm trying, yeah I'm trying hard, but trying doesn't seem to cut it anymore, PROOF is what i need something solid i can see in front of my eyes and maybe even feel inside. But i dunno if I'll ever get that. I guess only time will tell.


I've only ever hated one person until now, and they know it, but i have no real reason to hate them, its not their fault, they just happened to get involved. I don't forget much and i hate that at times, but as I'm on my own half the time I've only ever had my thoughts to keep me company, and that's something i hate at times too.


My thoughts tell me things that i know that are not true, but then they can be right the whole time, they could be thinking them thoughts with good reason and that has stopped me from not thinking, when you think something and you are told its wrong, you start to doubt them thoughts but then when someone throws a spanner in the works and everything stops and actually makes sense, that's when you realise that nothing but your own thoughts are what you should listen too.

Lee and I have had some trouble these past two weeks and that's where the hate kicks in, i don't want to hate her, but i fear that's all i can feel for her, its not her fault and i know that but i don't think i can ever understand the thoughts that went through their heads, i don't think I'll ever understand just how he felt, and how Innocent it actually was but i suppose I'll never find out, this is also when my thoughts come into play, i was right to think about them things, i was right to not doubt what i was thinking and i was right to carry on pushing, till i found out the truth.

I did. and to think i just about to declare myself crazy and give in all together, everything just filled its place and the pieces fitted together and i knew it before i needed proof.

I guess this happens but i never actually thought it would, never actually believed this would happen to us, but in this case my thoughts were wrong, and that's not a good thing.

Everything seems to be settling, sort of, things have changed and i don't like it, i don't think things will ever be the same again and even now after all this, we're damaged, slowly but surely the cracks are staring to show and their getting more like caves and tunnels.

I don't think i can cry anymore, i think i have cried enough for a few months but who knows.

i hate feeling like this and even as time ticks by i don't know if things are getting better or worse.