Entry 15

Well its been a while since I wrote on this blog, nothing to drastic has happened in that time, me and lee have been okay, we had our moments but who doesn’t, I’m still praying that everything will be back to normal, but I feel that it wont be while we’re still stuck here, but oh well things seem to be okay.

I’ve got 11 days till my 18^th birthday, excited much!? I cant bloody wait, im just gonna be buying and joining up to stuff and maybe drinking more cos I actually finally can.

I’m gonna have fireworks at home and just some people round, my friends aren’t the best and hardly turn up for much, unless there is something free or worth their time, but oh well shit happens.

I cant wait till Christmas! I just like the whole putting up decorations and lights, it’s a nice feeling, and you get presents but I just like it.

I passed my theory last week! That was a huge relief I had finally passed, I can now focus on the actual test and make sure I get things right well im gonna leave it there.

I’m getting a netbook for my birthday so I should be able to write more soon!

Zoe xx

Entry 14

It’s been a long time since I last wrote on this blog at that’s bad of me. A lot of things have happened. I’m back at my second year of sixth form and it’s a pain in the butt as normal. Lee and I have made it to 2 years and we doing okay.

I did well in my results; I finally got my C in English but still got a D in maths so I’m doing that again. I got a C for media a-level which I was well happy about but I didn’t get my health mark till next year when I have finished the course. I’m still glad with what I got though and defiantly did better than the year before. I’m carrying on doing media and health, but have taken up film and re doing math’s again. We have a new common room with nice new sofas and we can finally all fit in without fighting for a chair. There is a New Year group below us and they all seem pretty normal. So nothing really changes here.

The stuff me and lee were going through before has all finished, she still stalks the hell out of us but I can deal with that, it will always be at the back of my mind but I have forgotten about it for now. My heart it nearly repaired and once we leave this place everything should be fine. We made it to 2 years, when we first started going out I never thought it would last this long, but I’m glad it has, we may have our ups and downs but who doesn’t? He is currently sitting next to me writing some work that due in last lesson, but I have 4 hours free now. So haven’t got much to do really.

Nothing much in my life has changed; my hair may have got a bit longer but I’m finally getting it cut on Monday after asking my mum for months! And I had two teeth pulled out, which was an experience! I went to the dentist back in august about a tooth ache and I don’t the dentist as it is and then being told I need two teeth taken out was scary, so they referred me to some health center where they knock you out so you don’t feel a thing, that is until you wake up. It weren’t till September that I actually got a appointment at this place but when I woke up I was so confused and the bleeding was bad and my face felt fat but it weren’t that bad I did have to drink soup for a few days and I still am struggling to eat properly. But there’s no pain anymore. I now only drink water which probably won’t make much of a difference but it’s a start.

I went on holiday twice in the summer holidays; I went camping in sandwich with my mum on the first week and then stayed in a chalet in camber on the second week. I had a good time. Camber sands were good and the chalet was nice that we stayed in for the week which I was really surprised at I thought it was gonna be well run down and dirty but no. The camping weren’t that bad the weather wasn’t brilliant but that’s British weather for you. We went to some nice beaches and sea sides and we met Lee in Ramsgate one day so I could go collect my results on time which was nice.

I also went to Belgium and France with school, it was all about the war and we went to many grave sites. We only stayed the one night but it was still worth all the traveling and walking. I made new friends and talked to new people. So I had a good time.

I have lots of parties to go to this month and its my 18^th birthday in 2 months so im excited!  

I’m sure there is loads more to write but I just cant think of it, I’ll try and write again soon.

Zoe xx

Entry 13

I haven’t written in a while so here’s my latest input. I’ve finished my exams, hopefully I’ll come out with better grades that I did last year, I hope I done well with my a level media as well, that would really help me along. School has been a drag, but nothing much changes there. Least I have less work to do at the moment its just my coursework based subjects that I have to worry about now.

Well other stuff, last week was the rally and I had a relatively good time, the band was good, the weather was good and the food and drink was good. It took us ages to get down there considering its normally only a hours journey, this was because lee’s bike decided to be rubbish and brake every time we tried to move. Running along the road with it was no fun! And the weather was hot for a change so it got thirsty and sweaty! But it started eventually and was fine towards the END of the journey. But apart from that everything else was fine. My mum ended up coming which wasn’t as bad as it could have been, Lacey was spoiled of course, and Luke didn’t come. But nothing changes.

Me and Lee have been okay, that stupid bitch has been ‘up in my grill’ again, its so hard not to say anything to the snotty nosed bitch, its taking a lot of self control and real reasoning for me to hold back, on something I would love to do. But im doing it of course to keep the peace. ¬_¬

Well that’s about all I can cram into this post for now, I’ll try and write some more soon

Zoe xx

Entry 12

Well I'm writing this on my iPod and I'm amazed it is even able to do this, well not much has happened apart from my exams have started I don't feel as confindent as I did last year and im gonna be so fed up if I fail for the second time there is so much pressure on you to do good, and I'm not a bad student it's just craming 10 years worth of stuff into you hard and expected to remember it all seems a hard task to me, I know thousands of people do it every year and past then how come I still havent done it well we'll find out in august won't will

Well Lees playing xbox so I'm bored and my iPod disclose to death, I'll let you know the rest of my crappy exams go

Zoe xx

Entry 11

A lot is going through my head right now, stuff that I wish wasn’t there and would leave my head forever! I’m trying to forgive and forget but that don’t seem to work anymore, until this problem is erased completely I’ll never be the same again, yeah of course this has all got to do with lee, everything I do is to do with lee, that the hardest part Is guess, knowing that anything that happens in my life Lee is gonna be involved and be part of the occasion, but that’s how its gonna be if we stay together. Oh well I like him being there it makes me feel better about myself and about my future.

Yeah right now I should be doing work but as I am on the mac’s that’s a bit harder cos word is so different. I love these keyboards! Their so easy to type with that’s why I tend to only type a lot when I’m on here.

Well anyway this is just a quick post, I don’t have much else to say that will only bring back unwanted thoughts and feelings!

Zoe xx 

Entry 10

Today I am on a downer. Could be feeling better but the thoughts in my head decide my mood more than often. Everything just seems to pile on top and that’s when I feel like shit, because my life isn’t as good as it could be, and this place has turned into something I don’t wanna go to everyday, and considering I’ve only been here less than a year that isn’t a good thing, but do you know who I blame this on? Lee. I’m struggling there again, things seem okay, just okay nothing happens anymore, everything there is a hidden thought behind it or a argument in the works, when everything was going well and then going bad, my head is stuck in the middle and shouting at me how did you let your guard down so much? You know what happens when you get that low! This is kind of ironic because I am listening to All Time Low by The Wanted and the words are ‘how do you get up from an all time low?’ yeah not helping.

I need some motivation and at the moment I have nothing! I’ve have ten tonnes of work to do. Exams coming up and I’m just no good at this school stuff, I have no money so I cant buy stuff, (that normally cheers me up a little bit) just life just drifting on and on without a purpose! I suppose I’m not failing, I’m just behind not as much as other people and that’s a good thought too. But I don’t wanna do this sixth form anymore, its just school but in different clothes, and a common room. Yeah that’s pretty much as it is, I hate the early mornings and I probably would be better off just getting my English and maths and leaving. But really I need my health work I can see myself doing something health related I hope, it would be a good and useful job. With lots of time off.

Well I’m going now as I have ran out of ideas that I even bore myself with.

Zoe xx

Entry 9

Well its been a while since I last posted something, but here I am, its Thursday and I have 4 days of holiday left, and boy is it gonna hit me hard, its been so good having this time off and I am really gonna miss it! Not much has happened in these two weeks, hardly anything and now as school is just round the corner, I am in a rush to do some kind of work and there I was thinking hmm I start on Tuesday which means I don’t have to do so much of the work that is due in on Tuesday but then I remember I go back n Tuesday so yepp that work has to be done weather its wrong or right. I have a lot of work to do right now and I’ slowly falling behind which isn’t a good thing, also the fact that I am at my dads and don’t have half the work with me that I need is just making it that little bit worse.

Health is the longest, 3 different teachers doing three different parts of the course pilling it all up and demanding it when we have a holiday, when knowing they probably anit done anything like us. Business, I haven’t even looked at! Haven’t even spared it a thought. Well if I had a £1000 for every piece of work I had to do or improve, I would be rich and not need the grades!

On a less stressed note, I have finally finished my vampire diaries books, and it was good! The ending could have given you some more clues, but oh well. I will now have to start the true blood books, but I only have the first one but I know someone with them all so may have to borrow them!

There have been no more developments in the lee department everything seems to be okay but I wonder how things will be at school, she goes near him anymore and I will be angry

Well anyway should be getting on with my work! Lots to do!

Zoe xx 

Entry 8

I am finally on my last week at school and then we are off for two weeks for the Easter holidays! I truly can’t wait to finally break up and have a well earned break. It feels like ages since I have had an actual break! I really need it.

Well yesterday was Lacey’s christening and it went pretty well most people turned up but the people who I would of liked to turn up didn’t, but I mingled and talked, everything seemed to go to plan. But mum ended up drunk and when out for the night, this is typical mum and I’ll be surprised if poppy or Lacey went to school today. But everything was okay, there were no arguments which surprised me even more and even Nan and Granddad made an effort. This is a picture of me, Lacey, Poppy and Luke, my face isn’t brilliant but it’s a good picture.  

Well that’s all I have to say really, I’ll write again on Wednesday because that when I next have a free lesson.

Zoe xx

Entry 7

Today is Monday and I already want the week to end, I cant be assed to do any work and I’m slowly falling behind in health. We went to the nursery Friday and the first thing our teacher did was have a go at us, hmm not the best start for going to be with happy little children, but she said after we was brilliant and to be honest I felt a bit smug about, we did painting and cutting and stick and then we made pasta chain things, I think we did pretty well and considering there quite a few of us there still wasn’t enough of us to be two at a table. But we did really well and we just got to type it up and what happened. Tomorrow I have Mrs. Dray which I’m not really looking forward to we have a lot of work to do for her and she’s not even a health teacher so anit really got a clue on what we’re meant to be doing. And I missed our last lesson because of R.E stop day that was a waste of time, and we have work due in and I didn’t know anything about it till today and even then I don’t know what I’m meant to be doing!

But all over subjects seem to be okay, media I’m doing okay just slacking slightly, business I’m probable further than most people but working to slow. But as long as I don’t come out with U’s I think I’ll be happy.

Bad news now, yesterday me and mum went out to the shed so she could show me what food she had got for the christening and there was a dead cat in there, it was horrible, but we think he had only just gone and he was still moveable, just. We knocked a few people’s houses and one lady said someone owned him in the flats and moved away leaving him behind, we named him Whiskers because he never had a collar, but we never fed him because we thought he had an owner and he would keep coming back over wise. But I feel sorry for him cos he died probably of hunger or was really ill. We rang the RSPCA but they couldn’t do anything because they only deal with ill or injured animals, they told us to ring the council which we did and they said they can only deal with him if he’s in a park or a highway, but today they rang back and are going to take him away, god knows what they’ll do with him and I don’t wanna think about what they will do with him. But least he’s gonna be in cat heaven. Bless him.

Well on a happier note, the christening is this weekend and everything seems to be coming together part from decorations but I guess that will happen on the day, my dress is hanging in the wardrobe and I think some fake tan is in need, and some jewelry but apart from that I think everything is okay I even got my nails done but am slowly regretting it, I can barely text or write for that fact.

Note to self: Get nails done shorted next time!

Well that’s about it for now I don’t have anymore trauma’s going on AT THE MOMENT! But who knows!

Zoe xx

Entry 6

Well lately I’ve spent most of my school time doing nothing! Today I have done 1 hour’s worth of work, I have no lessons now till tomorrow and even then I don’t have much because I have two hours of nothing. But today my health class was cancelled and I only have to go to my media class so the teacher can see I’m alive then leave. So today is a big waste of time! Nothing good will happen, and its not like I have loads of work to actually do!

The other day I wrote something for lee and his response was I don’t know what to say, I wasn’t impressed, I had gone into effort for that and all he could say was I don’t know, but today he has pulled through and wrote me something back, and tbh he anit don’t that bad, it made me smile and I suppose that’s all that matters, it explained a lot more than me just trying to guess what he was feeling and I’m glad he did. I hope things are gonna get better but I’ll never let my guard down till we leave this place, and even then I may be a bit apprehensive but like I’ve said a lot lately, only time will tell. I’m going round there tonight so we’ll see how that goes and if our relationship can be rebuilt to how it was before.

Moving on, life is back on the straight and narrow, apart form Lacey’s christening coming up, this is my mums fault she’s a last minute person, getting the Christmas presents on Christmas eve and wrapping them hours before we all get up,  but this needs to start getting done cos she anit done anything, food? Not even looked! Decorations? Of course not! The cake is ordered, got dresses and the hall booked but apart from that, nothing! And its in two weeks now, she needs to sort the house out yet! Cor thinking about it now! She’s got so much to do!I think that is what I will do now, research and make a plan, because if I don’t she wont and nothing will be ready!

I’ll write again soon.

Zoe xx

Entry 5

Well I’m in the library cos I have a free lesson, I probably have some kind of work to do but after giving all that work in on Friday I think I deserve a break. It’s not very quiet for a library and that sometimes can be annoying but you sort of get used to it after a while.

Well not much has happened, me and lee are together again after nearly two whole days, I’ve cried to much over that boy I would rather be with him so I can stop crying than be without him and carry on crying. But I really hope things are going to start getting better cos I don’t know how much chaos I can actually take in this relationship. I missed him a lot and I don’t want to be without him again. Yep I am quite a soppy person but that’s how I feel about the things that happen in my life. Now that all seems to be sorted I don’t really have anything to say.

Oh yeah, I went shopping to jolly old Bluewater yesterday to get a stupid dress for my sisters christening. The ‘theme’ is lilac, ha, like I’m gonna find a lilac dress let alone a lilac dress I like, so now my dress is black and grey and my mum can stick it up her ass cos I don’t really care what she thinks, I got some nice heels too, their nice and high and I think I’ll be able to walk in them fine, I had no trouble in them when I first tried them on so I hope I’ll be fine this is what they look like :D, but they are the best pair of shoes I’ve ever owned! And will last me a while I hope but that will probably have something to with the fact I won’t be wearing them much!

I'll probably write again soon as I am starting to enjoy this. I'll leave you with a line from Adele's someone like you!

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead (8)

Zoe xx 

Entry 4

Well to start a new entry I have bad news, yep real bad news, me and lee are on a break, I never thought this would happen I never thought we would even got that close, but we have and we have broke up, this is not a good thing, I never wanted this and I thought I could trust him with everything even my heart but maybe not, he went behind my back and lied to me, AGAIN!

There only so much a girl can take and he has pushed the limit, everyone told me there nothing to worry bout she’s just a ‘friend’ yeah well try saying that when you find notes saying how she was a crush and he felt single when he was away from me, yeah that don’t really go down well. Yeah I want to be with him but I don’t think a girl can ever be with someone who had feelings for another girl while in another country, I felt like shit when I found that out and everything just seemed to go from bad to worse.

I want to be with him more than anything, but how am I suppose to do that if I cant even trust him. When I see some solid truth that they anit gonna talk anymore then maybe I’ll take him back, then maybe I’ll start to trust him again, and maybe just maybe, we might have back what we had before all this happened.

Well I’m in another study period, without the study room this time, and I’m without lee too, he’s in another room that I cant really be in, so here I am on my own in the library on the mac’s typing this.

I find it nice to type on these keyboards and easy to just type away, and I feel a bit better being able to express everything on here, I don’t care who reads it, I don’t think anyone ever will. But never mind I didn’t start this to get attention I started it to help put my thoughts and feeling into something I like doing.

Well on that note, I hope things get better, I hope he’ll not give up on me and still want me back when I’m ready but again. Only time will tell.

Zoe xx

Entry 3

Well right now I’m at jolly old sixth form. Really there nothing jolly about, really its just the same with the odd random things that the rest of the school don’t do, like study periods which I’m in right now.

Its a waste of two hours really, yeah I get some work done but I can think of much better things to do in two hours, and as our 'study room' is meant to be out of order but I’m sitting in it right now, working there anit much to do.

Me and lee are stable I suppose, things could be better but like I’ve said like 100 times, only time will tell. I just know that when my back is turned he's thinking about her, wanting to talk to her because he 'feels bad' HA, how you think I’ve been feeling this past 3 weeks! I think we just need a week off school and as out last week off he spent in another country with other girls I don’t think that one really counts. I better get off the subject though it just winds me up ¬_¬

I had a driving lesson and I hadn’t had one in a while as my last one he was so impatient he drove off after 5 mins of being late! It went well, I suppose I stalled a few times but hey, it’s only my third lesson! I can drive in straight lines but unfortunately the roads are not all straight! I enjoyed it though and I just want to learn it all and get on the roads but it’ll be ages before I can drive properly!

I’ve done some work today and I’m happy I did its been due in for ages and the fact I don’t go there everyday just makes matters worse, but I always think, least I’ve done some of the work unlike some people In my class! So that keeps me going some how. That seems to be my motto at the moment, could be worse! What about all them people in Japan late work is the least of their worries!

Well I’ll write next time I have some spare time J

Zoe xx

Entry 2

Well so far this blog hasn't gone according to plan, i haven't done another post till now, getting to a computer and finding time to do this is turning out harder than i thought.


Lots of things have happened in this week, mostly downs but there has been some silver lining, well not much, more of a grey misty colour. I'm trying, yeah I'm trying hard, but trying doesn't seem to cut it anymore, PROOF is what i need something solid i can see in front of my eyes and maybe even feel inside. But i dunno if I'll ever get that. I guess only time will tell.


I've only ever hated one person until now, and they know it, but i have no real reason to hate them, its not their fault, they just happened to get involved. I don't forget much and i hate that at times, but as I'm on my own half the time I've only ever had my thoughts to keep me company, and that's something i hate at times too.


My thoughts tell me things that i know that are not true, but then they can be right the whole time, they could be thinking them thoughts with good reason and that has stopped me from not thinking, when you think something and you are told its wrong, you start to doubt them thoughts but then when someone throws a spanner in the works and everything stops and actually makes sense, that's when you realise that nothing but your own thoughts are what you should listen too.

Lee and I have had some trouble these past two weeks and that's where the hate kicks in, i don't want to hate her, but i fear that's all i can feel for her, its not her fault and i know that but i don't think i can ever understand the thoughts that went through their heads, i don't think I'll ever understand just how he felt, and how Innocent it actually was but i suppose I'll never find out, this is also when my thoughts come into play, i was right to think about them things, i was right to not doubt what i was thinking and i was right to carry on pushing, till i found out the truth.

I did. and to think i just about to declare myself crazy and give in all together, everything just filled its place and the pieces fitted together and i knew it before i needed proof.

I guess this happens but i never actually thought it would, never actually believed this would happen to us, but in this case my thoughts were wrong, and that's not a good thing.

Everything seems to be settling, sort of, things have changed and i don't like it, i don't think things will ever be the same again and even now after all this, we're damaged, slowly but surely the cracks are staring to show and their getting more like caves and tunnels.

I don't think i can cry anymore, i think i have cried enough for a few months but who knows.

i hate feeling like this and even as time ticks by i don't know if things are getting better or worse.

Entry 1

I Zoe Haines, have started this blog just for fun, i wanna see if i can get used to the whole idea of an online diary, I hope to upload a photo a day which will probably turn into a photo a week at the rate i go with actually getting to a computer!


First of all i like to write; write stories, an odd diary here and there and anything that needs making interesting. I look at other people's blogs and i have realized how much work and learning this is gonna take if i'm gonna really enjoy it. 


Then I have Lee, which i will probably go on a lot about, today we have been together for 1 year and 6 months, and lately its been a task just to get here! I am at the moment waiting for him to get here and take me out, but due to his terrible time keeping i don't think he will be here anytime before half 2! Of course im used to it by now but i do get really bored as well as considering no one is actually here with me at the moment. 


But loud music to piss the neighbors off as they did me at 2 this morning when they were still whacking out their music, is a good way to kill time like this. I should be doing some seriously late course work that was due about two weeks ago. but yet here i am doing this and probably failing all my courses.


Never mind, well this has been my first post and i think i might actually enjoy doing this. 

This is the picture for today its my favorite pair of socks that i got for one birthday they make me laugh


Zoe x